The Journal of Dean Winchester Season 9
by sweetondean
Summary: This is Dean's personal journal of his journey through season 9.


**Entry One**

Wake up Sammy, just wake up. I know you can do it. You're stronger than this, man. You can't let 'em kill you like this. I won't let you. Just open your eyes, and we'll work the rest out. He's gotta open his eyes. He's gotta be okay. Come on Sammy, please. Please.

GOD'S HANDS? Was that Doctor fuckin' serious? God's hands? That is how we got into this mess in the first place, by playing God's game. Now Sam is dead, or will be soon. Like I'm gonna trust my brother's fate to God? No. Not gonna happen. There's gotta be a way outta this one. Gotta be.

I feel sick. What did I just do? I saved Sam, I think, but I had to trick him into it. Yeah... I know he wouldn't have wanted this, but he didn't wanna die either. He told me that. He saw the damn light. He sees a life beyond this crap pile of an existence. So yeah, I've given him a shot at maybe having that one day. It was this or... It was this. No other choice. He ain't gonna like it, I know it. But, maybe, just maybe, he'll be thankful to be alive. I'm trusting this Ezekiel dude. And Cas vouches for him. Anyway, what's done is done. Sam's gonna be okay now. That's the important thing. Everything else we can deal with later. Sam's alive. He's getting fixed. It's gonna be okay.

**Entry Two**

Great. The Bitch is back. Abaddon. Awesome. Something else to deal with. That was a close call. All around. I hope Sam swallowed my line of bull about killing all the demons. Is this Zeke dude gonna keep popping out like that? Because if he does, we're gonna have to have a conversation. He's supposed to be inside Sam fixing him, not suddenly appearing whenever he damn well pleases. That wasn't our deal. Though, guess he saved Sam's life. Again. I have a feeling I'm gonna be paying for this down the line. How'd everything get this screwed up? An angel inside my practically dead brother, the King of freakin' Hell locked up in the bunker. Kevin's flipping out. Poor kid don't know the half of it. Jesus Christ if I can hold this one together it's gonna be a fuckin' miracle. And Sammy's feeling great. He's damn well happy. That's good. I guess. Except he has no clue what's really going on.

**Entry Three**

I'm gonna lose it. Cas died. Zeke brought him back to life, thank God. But then I gotta chuck him out of the Bunker? The guy's eyes, the way he looked at me. I'll never forget that look. He trusted me. He felt safe. With friends. I didn't want to do it...but I had no other choice. I don't know how I'll ever fix it with Cas. Maybe he'll understand when he knows why. Maybe not. And I don't know what to make of Zeke. He pops in and out so much, I'm gettin' freakin' whiplash. He's worried Cas will bring the angels down on him? Why. What's he hiding from? He's gotta be hiding something. I'm gettin' real nervous. If he's such a good guy, why would he be worried about being found? Damn it. I'm going crazy here. I can't talk to no one about it. I'm bouncing off the freakin' walls.

**Entry Four**

I feel like he's stacking the chips against me, linin' them up, waiting for his moment to call in his marker. But if he wasn't here, Cas and Charlie would be dead. Thank God he could save Charlie. No way I could live with her blood on my hands. But I'm on my last nerve with this shit. I'm yelling Zeke's name at Sam. He's suspicious as all hell. Askin' questions. The kid's smart as a whip. I'm terrified he's gonna put two and two together, chuck the angel out on his ass and wind up dead or worse. And there's actually an OZ? Could life get any weirder? I don't like Charlie going off with that Dorothy chick. She better look out for her. Wicked Witch of the West… Fuck me.

**Entry Five**

Oh yeah. Sammy's startin' to think something's wrong. I keep lying at him, but he's suspicious. One minute he's my brother and things seem normal and the next, he's not. I feel like I'm about to explode. I need to come clean. I gotta talk to Zeke and tell him we've gotta tell Sam what's goin' on. Just gonna have to risk it. I can't stand this lying to my brother anymore. Not something this big. Somehow I'll talk him into letting the angel stay put. I'll figure it out. But he has to know. Though, can I risk it? Knowing him, he'd as soon die as be possessed again. Jesus. I don't think I can risk it. It won't be much longer. He'll be fixed soon. The angel will go. I'll tell him then. Once he's well. He can hate me all he wants once he's okay.

And whatever that mutt was gonna tell me about why dogs are really here is gonna haunt me for the rest of my days!

**Entry Six**

Steve the angel. Huh. Poor bastard. But this isn't his fight anymore. Let him go live his life, be human, meet a girl, one that actually wants him and doesn't try to kill him. Geeze Cas. Ha. I feel bad for the dude. I've gotta remember to check in with him now and then, make sure he's doing okay. And do we believe Crowley? No reversing the angel fall spell? Yeah, well we'll see. Everything that bastard says comes out crooked. I will say this though, if Sammy's right and Crowley is addicted to the human blood… that right there is leverage.

**Entry Seven**

Man, it was good to see Sonny again. And Robin. She grew up nice. I'd pretty much put that whole time out of my memory. Hadn't thought about it in years. I'd forgotten how good I had it there. Wonder what would've happened to me if dad never came back? Or if I never got back in the car? Not that that was ever gonna be an option. I wasn't leavin' Sammy out there alone. Couldn't leave Sam. No way. But still. I can't help but wonder how I would've ended up, had I not stepped back into the life….

**Entry Eight**

Okay, now I'm officially freaking out. I tried to tell Sam the truth and Zeke blocked me. Not only that, he pretty much threatened Sam. This whole, if he ejects me bullshit. This whole not long now. I dunno what to think anymore. But I'm starting to feel like this is all going nowhere good and fast. And why the hell would I be surprised by that? I've known from the beginning that it'd all end up biting me in the ass. But that didn't matter, as long as Sammy was okay. But what if Sammy isn't okay? What if this angel is just slinging me a line? I dunno what to believe. But my gut is screaming at me. Sammy thinks there's something wrong with him. The kid is breaking my heart. I need to find a way to tell him what's going on so he can stop kickin' himself. Damn it. Everything's going to hell as usual.

Good to see Jody though. And meet Suzy. Yeah, that part was real good.

**Entry 9**

I can't. Oh God. Kevin, man I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I shoulda told you what was happening. I shoulda got you outta here. Protected you. Why didn't I do that? Why the fuck didn't I do that? The kid trusted me to take care of him. And now he's dead. Like so many other's before him. I'm poison. I can't do anything right. Nothing. Everything I touch turns to shit or winds up six feet under. And Sam's gone. Jesus. I don't know if he's even alive in there anymore. What if the angel burnt him out? I am such a fucking idiot trusting some angel I didn't even know. Trusting him with Sam's life. Desperate fucking idiot. Who the hell has got my brother? Sammy. God. Okay, okay, I've gotta get my shit together. I've gotta go find that angel fuck and get my brother back, or put a stop to him, whatever I need to do. I'm not letting Sam live out his days as a piece of meat being dragged around by some angel douche. Oh God, I'm gonna be sick.

Okay Winchester, get it together. You did this, you fix it. However you need to. Fix what you can. I'll find the angel. I'll find Sam. I'll find you Sammy, I promise. But first, I gotta take care of Kevin. Give him the burial he deserves. Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry, kid. I'm so sorry…

**Entry 10**

It's better this way. It's better that I leave him alone. I don't know he's ever gonna forgive me. Why should he I guess. I knew he was never gonna be happy with what I did. It's cool. He's alive. That was the goal. And the angel is gone. I don't know what damage it's done to Sammy. I don't know how much he remembers. But he's alive. I know he thinks the cost was too great, but that wasn't his fault, none of it was his fault, and hopefully… one day… Now I'm gonna hunt down that Gadreel bastard. Hunt him down and make him pay for everything. Trickin' me, taking Sam, but mostly for Kevin. Oh, kid. I shoulda trusted you and told you what was happening. You were my responsibility, and I let you down. Crowley's right. Everyone around me winds up dead. Easy fix. I ain't gonna let anyone around me anymore. That way the only person that winds up dead is me.

**Entry 11**

I've stooped to a new low. God, what is wrong with me. Working with Crowley. If it gets the job done… at least that's what I tell myself. I feel dirty. And now I have the Mark of Cain. The Mark of Cain. Jesus Christ. I dunno what it means but if it helps me to kill Abaddon, hunt down Gadreel, put a stop to Metatron…who cares. Means to an end. Time I put right everything that I've made wrong. I'll admit it though, I feel sick inside. Looking at this thing on my arm, not knowing. What's it gonna do to me? What's this terrible burden Cain spoke of. I mean, looking at him…seeing what he could do. What's this thing gonna do to me? About now I could really do with some help. About now I could really do with the MoL library. But that would mean calling Sam, and I just wanna leave him alone and keep him out of this mess. Probably wouldn't pick up anyway. I'll see what I can find out. Wait for Crowley to find this First Blade. God, just writing that feels so wrong.

**Entry 12**

Garth's a werewolf and Sam and me ain't brothers no more. Fuckin' great. I can't believe he said that. Man, above everything else, we're family. I know I screwed up, I know right now he hates me but… I guess after all these years of me draggin' him through the muck, he's finally done with me. Can't blame him. But he's all I got. We're all we've got. I always thought that would mean something. I mean, it's the most important thing isn't it? Isn't it? Maybe it's not. At least, not to Sam. I know he's pissed but… We ARE family, damn it. It does mean something. Doesn't it? I dunno. Guess I just pushed him too far. I've seen him angry before, but not like that. He's never said anything like that before. Not brothers? Still, here we are back at the bunker. We ain't talking, but at least he's here. It's so freakin' awkward. I'd laugh if I could muster the energy. Maybe I can make it right with Sam somehow. I dunno. I dunno why he got back into the car in the first place. I dunno what he wants. Nothing makes any kind of sense anymore. And Garth's a werewolf! Well, I hope he's happy. Maybe he's got a chance to have some kind of decent family life. Lucky bastard. Man I'm tired.

**Entry 13**

Everything I've ever believed in. Everything I've ever trusted in. Gone. Fine. You won't save me if I'm dying. You don't wanna be brothers. Fuckin' fine. Screw it. I'm tired and done and I just want to kill Abaddon and get it over with and Sam he can go his own way, because that's obviously what he wants, I ain't gonna stop him if that's what he wants. I thought I knew him. I thought we'd always have this one thing. Each other. Each other's backs. Always. Apparently not. I'm done trying to make sense of any of it. I WOULD do it again. If I had the choice for him to live or die, I'd always choose live. If that makes me a selfish bastard, so be it. And don't fuckin' tell me I only ever sacrifice if I'm not the one being hurt. What the fuck? Okay. Whatever. I'm not gonna sit here wringing my hands. Screw you.

Jesus Winchester, why you shaking? Man, I feel weird. Gotta bring it down a notch. Gotta calm down…

**Entry 14**

What a screwed up life. Well at least we got Linda out safe. I'll never be able to make it up to her though. I'm the reason her kid's dead. At least Kevin's with his mom again. If he can't get to Heaven, at least that's something. I hope we can work this whole thing out before he goes vengeful. We need to get him and all the other spirits outta the veil to where they belong. Or we're gonna have a lot of pissed off ghosts on our hands! And Sammy just storms off. We promised the kid we'd try. He promised the kid we'd try. Yeah, okay. Guess not.

**Entry 15**

Oh man. Now Harry and Ed. What the hell is even happening. Everything's upside down. I hope they can work it out. Though seeing them and knowing where me and Sam are at... Yeah, good luck fellas.

Can't sleep. Keep thinking about that dude I ganked. He was a murdering bastard. He deserved it. But it felt too good. I enjoyed it. I'm not gonna tell Sam. Ha. Not that he's talkin' to me anyway. Yeah. But I dunno. It felt real good. Sliding that knife slowly into his chest. Made my blood pound in my ears. Think I better keep that to myself. I'm angry. Just gotta try to calm it down.

**Entry 16**

What's happening to me? I don't know what's happening to me. When I held that blade. Nothing else mattered. The power that rushed through me felt so good. Strong. Unstoppable. I'm still shaking a little from the rush. I've not been feeling right for a while. Edgy. Angry. I just thought it was something to do with what was going on with me and Sam. But now I know. It's The Mark. It's changing me. I can feel it. Something inside. And The Blade. I want it. I want it bad. I want it in my hand right now. I want to feel that power surge through me again. I want it. Oh God. What's happening. If it wasn't for Sam talking me down. All I could hear was blood, and then Sam's voice. Sammy's voice. It's probably a good thing Crowley took The Blade. But man, I want it.

**Entry 17**

I'm falling apart. What's wrong with me. Why am I hanging around Crowley. He can help us that's why. Help us get to Abaddon. Is that why? I don't trust him. Not one bit. But he's pretty much all I got right now. He gets it. Gets me. What the hell am I saying! I gotta get some sleep. When was the last time I slept? I'm bone tired. But I'm not tired. Not even the booze is knocking me out. And I'm giving it a good nudge. I dunno what's happening. I should tell Sam. I'm worried. But would he give a damn? Keep forgetting, we just work together, nothin' more, right? He's worried too though. I know that. I can see it. He might not be saying it. But I know that kid. He's worried. He should be. Something's not right. This thing on my arm is doing something to me. I can't stop thinking about The Blade. Abaddon. We gotta find Abaddon. Sam's on board now. We kill her, things will be different. I wanna drive that blade right through her. That's gonna feel real good. God that's gonna feel good.

**Entry 18**

We nearly had Gadreel. We nearly had Metatron. I dunno how we're gonna beat that bastard. He just blew out the holy fire. He's more powerful than we thought. I'm worried.

Still not sleeping. Just lying here feeling my fists pound into Gadreel over and over and how good it felt. Lucky I didn't kill him. I wanted to. Man I wanted to. I could nearly taste his blood. I feel stronger than I've ever felt. Crazy strong. Powerful. Angry. I'm so angry. Sam's worried. Cas is worried. I'm worried. No, I'm scared.

**Entry 19**

Look at me bitch? I pushed that blade through that vamp's neck like it was butter! And it felt good. The rush. It's like I needed it. Needed the kill. I felt calmer after I killed the vamp. Better. And I know that can't be good. I tried to brush it off with Sam. I was being honest. We shouldn't feel bad about killing evil sons of bitches. But I ain't foolin' Sammy and I ain't foolin' me. I on the edge of being out of control. Push me too far? I dunno what I'd do. I think Sam's so worried he's forgetting how mad he is with me. Ha. That was one screwed up case. We were lucky to get Jody out alive. Christ, we were lucky to get Sam out alive. Look at me bitch. What the hell.

**Entry 20**

Chicago is run by monsters? Kinda explains some stuff. Hope that Ennis kid does okay. We'd have stayed and helped, but we've got bigger fish to fry.

**Entry 21**

She's dead. Abaddon's dead. And then some. I'm glad Sam didn't see the half of it. I moved the damn Blade with my mind. I'm glad he didn't see that. Real glad. The bitch couldn't stop me. I was stronger than she was. There was nothing that could stop me. I lifted her off the damn ground. I've never felt this strong. I've never felt this kind of power. I like the feeling. I feel good. Better than ever before. When that Blade's in my hand. I feel calm. It blocks out the noise. The anger. I feel clear. I know what to do and I know how to do it. Like The Blade talks to me. Without it, I'm on edge all the freakin' time. The Blade makes me feel…whole. Yeah. Next we take down Gadreel and Metatron. For the first time, I actually feel like we can do this. Scratch that. I can do this.

**Entry 22**

I've stopped sleeping all together. I know why now. It's the Mark. I know that. I'm different. I'm changing into something. I don't know what. I don't know what I'm becoming. I'm changing into something, someone I don't want to be. But if it's the means to the end of Metatron and Gadreel? So be it.

I'm sorry about Tessa, I am. Not my fault though. She killed herself. That's not on me. And now, it's just the 3 of us again. Me, Sam and Cas. But I'm calling the shots. And the sooner they come onboard with that the better for all of us.

I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM. WHY DID THEY STOP ME! Gadreel was standing in front of me. I knifed him, and they stopped me. They actually believed his shit? COME ON! Now they've locked me up. If Sam thinks hiding The Blade from me is gonna stop me, he's got another think coming! Oh God, I think I'm gonna throw up. Oh yeah, I'm gonna throw up.

**Entry 23**

This is it. Last chance. I do it alone. That way if I go down, it's just me. I have The Blade. I have a shot. I'll get Sam out of the way somehow. He'll fight me on that one, but I'll make sure he's safe. I know he'll be pissed. Again. But as long as he's safe… If Cas and Gadreel can do their thing in Heaven… maybe I can get the job done. If I die trying…well that's probably for the best. I don't know what I'm becoming. But whatever it is, it's not who I want to be. The Blade wants me to kill. This is it. My one chance. Time to take Metatron down. See you on the flipside…

_This is Sam… _  
><em>I never knew Dean kept a journal. How did I not know this? I found it on the floor by his bed, as I lay his body down… I don't think I'll read it. At least not now. I just wanted to… What? Finish it for him? Yes. Finish it for him… Dean is dead. I couldn't save him. I couldn't get to him in time. He died in my arms. My brother died in my arms. He told me he was proud of us. Oh God. I'm so proud of him. So proud of who he was. I hope he knew. I don't think he did. That will be my one great regret. That maybe Dean didn't know just how important he is…was…IS to me. I'm so proud of you Dean. Of everything you were. Of how you raised me. I'm so proud of you. And I'm proud of us too. So proud of us. This isn't right. You shouldn't have died like this. After everything. You shouldn't have. You shouldn't be dead. This wasn't your fault. You didn't start this. Crowley started this. He knew what would happen to you. HE KNEW. Damn it, Dean. No. I know you said it was better this way, but no. NO. I'm not letting you die like this. No. Crowley got you into this, he can fix it. He can fix it…<em>


End file.
